Title: Shopping
Author: Jo
Pairing: Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen; Karl Urban
Rating: PG
Summary: Orlando & Viggo need to buy Karl a birthday gift.
Disclaimer: Nope, never happened. 100% fiction. If you're not sure what that means, go look it up.
Notes: For Karl's birthday. Brenda gets props for the bunny because I suck and couldn't come up with a damn thing.


"Where'd you...oh." Viggo peered around the display, forehead wrinkled as he took in Orlando's grin and the...thing in Orlando's hands. "What's that?"

"Karl's present," Orlando replied, holding it up so Viggo could see it better.

Viggo just blinked. Karl's present? The hell? He wasn't even sure what it was. And he had a bad feeling he was going to regret asking. "Orlando, I don't...what is it?"

Instead of answering, Orlando just tossed the box to Viggo and went back to looking at the rest of the items. "It's perfect," he said absently, already moving on to something else.

"You can't buy this for him," Viggo said, forehead wrinkling more as he read the description on the side of the box. "It's...well...you can't."

"Why not?" Now it was Orlando's turn to look confused. "He'll like it."

"It's a novelty item."

"This whole store is a novelty item," Orlando pointed out.

"It's just so...." Viggo trailed off. He was floundering, and he knew it. But, damn. He still wasn't entirely sure what this was, and he had a good idea it wasn't such a good idea to get it for Karl. "It's not a Karl gift."

"Sure it is," Orlando said with a bright smile. "Trust me, Vig. He'll love it. I know Karl."

"Not like I do," Viggo mumbled, turned to look at something else.

"What?"

"What?" Viggo looked up, startled to see Orlando's face right there. It was a bit unnerving how fast (and how quietly) the kid could move. And now Orlando was inches from Viggo, peering at him with a curious, confused expression. Viggo reached up to press a fingertip to the tiny wrinkles between Orlando's brows. Couldn't resist.

"What'd you say?" Orlando asked, batting Viggo's hand away from his forehead.

"I didn't say anything."

"Yes, you did. You said that I don't know Karl like you do."

"Then why'd you ask what I said?" Viggo frowned. He was convinced, sometimes, that Orlando really did have the brains God gave a turnip. Not that he'd ever tell Orlando that, because the kid really was smart, and it wasn't worth Viggo's life. And he had no doubts that Orlando would come up with some deviously, cleverly awful way to repay him.

"Viggo." A hint of exasperation in Orlando's voice. Dark eyes remained locked with Viggo's, and those wrinkles were still there.

Viggo shoved his hands in his pockets, shrugged. "You're not...you weren't...didn't...well...you know." He knew he was floundering again. Couldn't help it, really. It was just that...well...yeah.

"I'm not...what?" Orlando blinked as he tried to process Viggo's near-incoherent sentence. Viggo just stood there, looking everywhere but at Orlando. "Oh. Oh!"

Viggo frowned. Why the hell was Orlando laughing? Viggo didn't think he'd said anything that was that funny. But there Orlando was, doubled up, gasping for air because he was laughing so hard. Viggo debated hitting him. With the box still in his hand. "Okay, give," Viggo finally growled when Orlando showed no signs of stopping. "What the hell's so funny?"

"You think --" Orlando stopped in mid-sentence, fresh peals of laughter echoing through the store. He leaned against the display, gasping for breath, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Oh. Oh. Oh, God."

"You sound like you're having an orgasm," Viggo muttered, flashed a dark look at Orlando's laughing face. "Stop it."

"Oh, God, Vig," Orlando managed to get out between sputters of laughter. "You think that Karl and I aren't...that we didn't...Christ, that's fucking funny!"

"Don't see what's so funny about it." Viggo continued to glare. If Orlando didn't stop laughing, Viggo was definitely going to hit him. Hard.

"Just that...that...." Orlando waved one hand in a weak, vague gesture. He was still doubled over, and Viggo was still seriously contemplating hitting him. There was obviously a joke here. Viggo was obviously missing it. He failed to see the amusement.

"Just that what?" Okay, enough. Viggo gave in to temptation. The box made a very satisfying whap as it connected with Orlando's shoulder.

"Ow." Orlando grinned, rubbed his shoulder. Dark eyes sparkled with suppressed laughter, but he managed to hold it in. Which was a good thing. At least in Viggo's opinion. "Sorry," Orlando finally said, still clearly trying his best not to burst out laughing again. "It's just that, well, Karl and I did. And we were."

"You..." Viggo paused, tried to process that information. It rated two slow blinks. Of course, now that he thought about it, it made perfect sense. It was just so Karl.

"Still are," Orlando added, almost bouncing in glee.

Four blinks this time. Good lord. Did, were, are. It was all a bit much for Viggo to absorb. Blue eyes narrowed as he studied Orlando. "You still are...with Karl?"

"Yeah, pretty much every time we get together. Which is why it's so cool that he's here, and not at home." Orlando grinned, winked. "Much shorter flight from Morocco to L.A. than from Morocco to Zid."

"I see." Viggo nodded, eyes unfocused as his brain whirled and sorted out everything. "He doesn't know you're here, though."

"Not yet." This time, Orlando's wink was sly, conspiratorial.

"You know he's staying at my place, right?" Viggo carefully watched Orlando's face. Let's see what you think about that, hmm?

"Well, yeah," Orlando said, still grinning. "I figured since you and he are such...." Then Orlando stopped. And blinked. And blinked again. Bingo. Viggo could almost see the pieces fall into place. "Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

"But I thought --" Orlando paused, took a deep breath, then tried again. "I thought that the two of you were...had...well, you know."

"Were, had, did, are," Viggo said, grinning with unholy glee at the positively befuddled expression that Orlando was wearing. "All of the above."

"Still?"

"Pretty much every time we get together," Viggo said, deliberately echoing Orlando's words. It was his turn to laugh now.

"Well, fuck." Orlando frowned, arms crossed over his chest. Looked a bit like he was pouting. "It's not funny."

"Oh, yes, it is," Viggo said, helpless to prevent the laughter from escaping. "It's fucking hilarious."

"Damn wanker," Orlando muttered, which just made Viggo laugh harder. "He didn't tell you about me, did he?"

Viggo just shook his head, one hand over his mouth to stifle his laughs.

"Didn't tell me about you, either." Orlando frowned again.

"Guess he figured we already knew," Viggo said, breathless. It was just like Karl to be splitting his time between the two of them. And just like Karl to (conveniently) forget to tell either of them about the other. It was exasperating at times. But it was Karl, so what could you do? Not much, really.

"Well, we know now."

"So we do."

"So." Orlando lapsed into silence, thoughtfully pulling at his bottom lip. After several minutes, he looked up at Viggo. And the look in his eyes sent a shiver up Viggo's spine. "I think we should give him the perfect birthday present for this."

"Oh?" Viggo said a silent prayer of thanks that he wasn't Karl. He damn sure didn't want to be Karl's shoes right now. "What's that?"

"Well, this for one." Orlando held up something that had Viggo first gaping, then leaning against the display, helpless, as he howled with laughter. "And then...."

+ + +

"Happy birthday."

Karl looked up as a gaily-wrapped gift landed in his lap. Looked up and blinked. Sweet Jesus...was Viggo really standing in front of him wearing nothing but a sly grin and a tacky baseball cap with the word "GEEK" emblazoned across the front in neon green letters?

Rubbing his eyes, Karl looked again. Viggo was. Christ.

"I, um," Karl stammered, completely caught off-guard. As far as he knew, they were supposed to be going out for dinner, then maybe catching a movie. This was...unexpected.

And Viggo's grin....

Karl was more than a little leery of opening the gift.

"Go on, open it. We bought it just for you."

Karl wondered if his eyes were bugging out of his head when Orlando strolled in, wearing an outfit identical to Viggo's. What the hell was going on? Karl was beginning to wonder if he'd lost his mind and not realized it.

"You're supposed to be in Morocco," he finally said when he stopped gaping.

"Break in filming," was all Orlando said, casually draping himself against Viggo's back.

Uh-oh. Karl definitely didn't like the looks he was receiving. "So, um, you picked this out?" Two nods answered his question. "Together?"

Again, two nods. Big uh-oh.

"What is it?"

"Open it," Viggo said, unmindful of his nudity or Orlando's lithe body pressed against him.

Slowly, reluctantly, Karl tore off the paper. Normally, he looked forward to his birthday, knowing that his friends were sure to get him some pretty off the wall stuff. This year, though.... He stared at the object in his hands when the paper finally fell away.

It was a tacky baseball cap with the word "GEEK" emblazoned across the front of it in neon green letters.

It was identical to the ones that Orlando and Viggo were wearing.

It was perfect.

"Love it," Karl said with a grin as he settled it on his head.

"Rest of his outfit doesn't match," Viggo pointed out, glancing over his shoulder at Orlando.

Orlando nodded. "Too right. Should fix that."

"Um, guys," Karl said, not liking the looks that were turned his way. He had a sneaking suspicion that dinner was about to be served and he was the main course. And dessert.

"We thought we'd all wear matching outfits for your birthday," Orlando murmured, advancing on Karl. Viggo was right beside him.

"I see," Karl said, trying to scoot backwards on the sofa. No luck. "And is this all you bought me?"

"It's all we bought you," Viggo replied, casting a quick glance at Orlando before his eyes fastened on Karl again.

"Not all we've got for you, though," Orlando added.

Not all...uh-oh. Yeah, Karl was definitely in trouble. But then, that was the problem when a man had two lovers who were also friends with each other. Sooner or later, they were going to compare stories. Of course, it would have probably helped if Karl had actually, oh, he didn't know, mentioned to each of them that the other one was also sharing his bed. But it wasn't like he deliberately kept the information from them.

It was just that, well, he forgot. Heat of the moment and all.

When Viggo dropped onto the sofa on his left, and Orlando dropped onto the sofa on his right, neatly trapping him between them, Karl was positive they weren't going to let him forget again.


~fin~